Gosh, it sure has been a long while since my last post! I’ve got several posts in the drafts that I’ve started but failed to finish. I’ve found that I have a very hard time writing about something unless I’m really in my feelings about it at the time or it’s an answer to a direct question. In the spirit of writing about things I’m currently feeling, this will be more of a “dear diary”-type post. (Should I do like a Q & A? Someone ask me something!)
Every day I wake up, I wake up with big plans for the day because guess what!? I don’t have a job! I should be able to get plenty of sleep, have plenty of time to do whatever I want at my own pace, eat healthy, and focus on rehabbing and getting back to as close to normal as possible. Since I am forcibly unemployed, I feel like I should devote this stage in my life to being the best possible housewife/stay-at-home mom of teenagers/MIL caregiver I can possibly be. These are all nice thoughts, but it’s just not my reality right now and it makes me feel like I am failing miserably at everything except tricking people into thinking that everything is great all the time. The reality is that I’m on a lot of medication that keeps me feeling pretty exhausted: Baclofen, Gabapentin, Cymbalta, Toprol are the daily staples. I am proud to say that I managed to get myself off of the opiate pain medicine I was on for many months, although I don’t feel a bit better. I did, however, replace those with Delta 8 THC edibles at night to try and help me sleep.
Aside from the medication, I’m also contending with the physical pain of the injury itself and the pain from all the surgeries/procedures I’ve had. I don’t know if this is something that will get better with time or if this is how the rest of my life will be, and no one is able to give me those answers. The thought of being in this much pain for the rest of my life is very overwhelming and something I try not to think about too much, but it’s hard not to when I’m trying to sleep and it feels like someone is holding my foot over my gas stove! Right now my daily routine pretty much consists of some very light housework, basic animal care, crocheting and watching documentaries. I want to be doing so much more, but this is all I FEEL like doing. Some days I do more and I pay for it for the next couple of days with even MORE pain; so what do I do? Listen to my body and take it easy or keep pushing through the pain? That is not rhetorical, by the way. I’m open to any and all advice!
Did you know? My neck was stretched so far that it damaged my cranial nerves and literally changed my voice! My normal speaking voice is mostly back to normal, but my laugh and loud voice are totally different and I lost the ability to use a falsetto pitch or 'baby talk'.
I want so badly to take my downtime opportunities and be a great little homemaker for my family, but my body just won’t let me right now and it can be super depressing and isolating. I guess I feel less guilty about writing it down because if you’re still reading my whining then it’s by choice and I’m ok with that. Everyone says they like honest writing, and well, this is honestly what’s going on and how I’m feeling these days.
No one wants to listen to someone that constantly complains, though, especially when it’s someone that has survived the impossible. Everyone wants a “feel good” story with a happy ending all tied up with a pretty little bow, and I just can’t give you that. Not yet. And as far as my relationship status goes, my relationship with my family is great- it’s the relationship with my own body that’s such a slippery little shit.
I’m in between jobs now, and it’s hard to feel productive and not be overwhelmed with everything I think I should be doing. And I’m not dealing with extensive trauma! Here’s hoping you can give yourself permission and grace to do what you can.
Thank you so much, and I’m wishing you the best of luck with the job situation! I’m still waiting on a decision for my disability that I filed SEVEN months ago! 😡
Omg…..I felt like I was reading about my story……. I’m chronically sick (long Story) anyway if you need someone to talk to who knows pain and suffering from an illness that began in 2009 and I understand trauma and severe pain…….I admire the courage you have to be real and you don’t try to sugar coat things,….. like me…..your in severe pain.congrats on quitting the narcotics that you needed for months. I did too! Opiates are not a good idea to take for long term pain because the longer and the more often you take it….. you’ll grow tolerance goes up and the dose your on won’t work anymore and you end up having to keep increasing the doses until you get to the point where its too dangerous to increase the dose and you end up with a pill that no longer works and if you stop taking it, although you don’t want to be on the opiate anymore and by stopping the med causes the body to go into withdrawals which is hard to go through mentally and physically. It’s not fatal to go cold turkey and stop the opiate it just feels like you have a miserable flu for about a month…….so congratulations on getting off the medicine for pain in the opiate category. Anyway I would like to get in touch with you and talk about our health lol. My email address is northernangel1122@outlook.com. I’m so thankful for your blog. It helps me feel like I’m not alone. I look forward to hearing from you! Stephanie
I came across your story on TikTok. I think it’s remarkable what you have been through and still have so much more than so many less fortunate people! My mother lived her last 16ish years sick, unemployed, depressed and dying. But she had so much to be happy about! I wish she had made better choices with the time she was given. I know it was hard for her because of the pain. It sounds like that’s hard for you too. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. Do you know the Lord? Asking God to help you through this, giving it to Him, living with your focus on God, etc, can make such a difference! You’re beautiful, inside and out! Keep pushing and never give up!
If you crochet, you might like Ravelry for pattern ideas and sharing some of your own work. Take it from someone who doesn’t do patterns well and has a lot of simple crap of her own up there. It’s great therapy, though. Your story is really inspirational and I think it’s important to bear in mind how far you’ve come — where your body and health is at right now is not where it is going to be months from now, because your body and health has come a long way from where it was months ago, right? You’re still healing. And you’ve done a lot of work to get to where you are — just because it wasn’t in an office or in the field doesn’t mean you didn’t work your ass off. You know you did. You’re stronger than you know. Thanks for sharing your story!