Gosh, it sure has been a long while since my last post! I’ve got several posts in the drafts that I’ve started but failed to finish. I’ve found that I have a very hard time writing about something unless I’m really in my feelings about it at the time or it’s an answer to a direct question. In the spirit of writing about things I’m currently feeling, this will be more of a “dear diary”-type post. (Should I do like a Q & A? Someone ask me something!)
Every day I wake up, I wake up with big plans for the day because guess what!? I don’t have a job! I should be able to get plenty of sleep, have plenty of time to do whatever I want at my own pace, eat healthy, and focus on rehabbing and getting back to as close to normal as possible. Since I am forcibly unemployed, I feel like I should devote this stage in my life to being the best possible housewife/stay-at-home mom of teenagers/MIL caregiver I can possibly be. These are all nice thoughts, but it’s just not my reality right now and it makes me feel like I am failing miserably at everything except tricking people into thinking that everything is great all the time. The reality is that I’m on a lot of medication that keeps me feeling pretty exhausted: Baclofen, Gabapentin, Cymbalta, Toprol are the daily staples. I am proud to say that I managed to get myself off of the opiate pain medicine I was on for many months, although I don’t feel a bit better. I did, however, replace those with Delta 8 THC edibles at night to try and help me sleep.
Aside from the medication, I’m also contending with the physical pain of the injury itself and the pain from all the surgeries/procedures I’ve had. I don’t know if this is something that will get better with time or if this is how the rest of my life will be, and no one is able to give me those answers. The thought of being in this much pain for the rest of my life is very overwhelming and something I try not to think about too much, but it’s hard not to when I’m trying to sleep and it feels like someone is holding my foot over my gas stove! Right now my daily routine pretty much consists of some very light housework, basic animal care, crocheting and watching documentaries. I want to be doing so much more, but this is all I FEEL like doing. Some days I do more and I pay for it for the next couple of days with even MORE pain; so what do I do? Listen to my body and take it easy or keep pushing through the pain? That is not rhetorical, by the way. I’m open to any and all advice!
Did you know? My neck was stretched so far that it damaged my cranial nerves and literally changed my voice! My normal speaking voice is mostly back to normal, but my laugh and loud voice are totally different and I lost the ability to use a falsetto pitch or 'baby talk'.
I want so badly to take my downtime opportunities and be a great little homemaker for my family, but my body just won’t let me right now and it can be super depressing and isolating. I guess I feel less guilty about writing it down because if you’re still reading my whining then it’s by choice and I’m ok with that. Everyone says they like honest writing, and well, this is honestly what’s going on and how I’m feeling these days.
No one wants to listen to someone that constantly complains, though, especially when it’s someone that has survived the impossible. Everyone wants a “feel good” story with a happy ending all tied up with a pretty little bow, and I just can’t give you that. Not yet. And as far as my relationship status goes, my relationship with my family is great- it’s the relationship with my own body that’s such a slippery little shit.