Life has been such a rollercoaster lately! I have been in the darkest of places and back up to feeling incredibly happy and every conceivable emotion in between since my last post. My husband and I spent the one-year anniversary at the beach in my ex-husband’s condo (don’t worry, nothing but love here 🥰) and had an incredible time. We spent most of the time in the condo or on the balcony enjoying the view since walking through sand is no go for me right now. And yes, I did have that drink I promised Dr. Godzik almost a year ago! (Catch up! Duh!)
I recently started seeing a therapist, which seems to be beneficial for me right now. If nothing else, having an impartial third party validate my roller coaster of emotions has given me some peace and allowed me to show myself some grace. By far, though, the biggest thing that has helped me this past year is my husband. He is an incredible human being who has shown me unwavering, unfathomable love and devotion. I know that sounds so cliche, but for some reason, that man loves me in a way that is hard to describe. I wish more than anything that he could retire and enjoy the fruits of his labor, but until I get some kind of insurance through SSDI, that’s not possible, and it’s breaking my heart to watch him kill himself working two full-time jobs. Can I like, get famous already? Is it really all that hard being Kim Kardashian? Clearly, we are basically twins, so I don’t understand why designers aren’t blowing up my phone 🙄.
After our beach trip, I had my one-year follow-up neurosurgery appointment. I was still coming off a high from our vacation and was in a great headspace- I even posted several videos on social media where I was really excited and eager to get a good report. I was feeling very… hopeful. Happy. In love with my family. Actually starting to feel some acceptance of my new life/reality. I’m generally not a very smiley person (terminal diagnosis of RBF [google if necessary]), but I knew as soon as I saw Dr. Godzik that this wasn’t a celebratory visit. The news wasn’t devastating, but it wasn’t what I was expecting/hoping for. Basically, we were told that although the hardware in my neck looks ok right now, it’s not designed to support my head on its own- my bones need to also fuse, and they are not right now. What that means is that I am potentially looking at (another) major, major neck surgery involving bone grafts and taking muscles from my back and attaching to my neck somehow. (There’s a possibility that I’m not 100% on the exact details, but I was pretty stunned at the time.) And just like that, I was broken again.
I took a couple of days to try and process everything, and I don’t quite know how to explain it, but my brain completely shifted gears. I became almost manic in needing to do SOMETHING productive, so I decided to start a YouTube channel. I have been plagued my entire life by worrying about what other people think, but in a split second, none of that mattered to me anymore. Think I’m fat and ugly? OK 🤷♀️ Think I’m just looking for attention? Well, I wouldn’t call it attention, but it feels therapeutic and provides some social interaction while I’m very isolated from people. Then I realized that I had the support of my family behind me, and I felt… free. Although I’m still riding this wave of excitement and motivation, I now realize it’s purely fear-based. I’m realizing how fragile my life is after everything that’s happened, and that my risk of a sudden death is now much, much greater and it’s terrifying. It’s like I’m a land mine ready to go off at any moment, so I’m in an absolute frenzy trying to make this stage in my life matter. Like it’s a job now; to make my life matter. Gosh, that sounds so weird? Is it weird or does this make sense to literally anyone else?
I am also able to recognize a lot of good that has come out of this. My family dynamic is the strongest it’s ever been. My marriage is amazing, and I generally feel like I’m more pleasant to be around. My attitude is lighter. Free-er. I used to have crippling social anxiety, but that’s almost gone. I’m still very introverted, but striking up conversations with people is so much easier than it used to be. During the daytime, I feel like a better version of myself- at least psychologically. Physically, I feel like three miles of Georgia dirt road (as my husband says).
Then the night comes. With bedtime comes the racing thoughts, insomnia, significant anxiety that I can’t explain. So here I am at 2:05 am writing this blog. Why? Because I’m scared.
There. I said it.